Random post 2 (Trigger warning: family death)
Trigger warning: discussions of death of a family member.
Bit of a less happy topic compared to my last random post on emojis but I’ve been thinking about the customs revolving around how people react to death and why certain habits are the way they are. For a little bit of context, I lost my grandfather on my mom’s side last week and we cremated him in Taiwan yesterday (April 2nd). I want to challenge anyone who might respond to this post to not say “I’m sorry for your loss” because while I am sad and am not okay yet after his loss, I want to stop using negative words around his passing.
A random question that has been popping into my head as of late has been why do we say “I’m sorry for your loss” when we hear that someone else has lost a loved one? I mean no harm when I say this but I feel like when people tell me “I’m sorry,” I never quite know how to respond. What I do know is the remark makes me feel like I need to hyperfixate on the sadness and my negative emotions when I could be focusing on how I want to remember him. My family and I are very fortunate that my grandfather lived past 90 and remained relatively healthy up until this past year. Even then, while he was diagnosed with cancer and had a stroke in the later half of last year, he was still able to resume the majority of his daily life until he fell into a coma and the doctors in the ICU discovered a new muscle related disease a week ago.
I want to remember him in a positive light at the end of the day. Instead of feeling sorry, I want to feel grateful for all of the memories he gave me and the places he showed me that made me love Taiwan and Tainan in particular. I want to thank him for giving me my mother and for raising her with so much love and care no matter how hard things were. I want to focus on how grateful I am that I had the chance to see him after Covid, and that I got to make more memories before his passing. I want to celebrate the long and happy life that he lived.
Side note of gratitude:
My family was fortunate in that my grandfather's passing was natural and not prolonged or painful as I know that is not always the case. In addition to appreciating the flexibility and how understanding the people around me were during the past 2 weeks, I want to give my gratitude to the people around me who, rather than say sorry, acknowledged my emotions and showed understanding or gave reassurance that things will eventually be okay. I also appreciate the people who gave me the chance to talk and a space to process and verbalize my feelings about the situation even before he passed. Thank you. <3
Hi Angelita! Thank you for being so brave to share such a vulnerable story about your grandfathers passing. I recently lost my grandfather who was like a dad to me and I know how hard it can be and how difficult it is to respond to "I am sorry for your loss" I often don't know what to say either other than "thank you".I am also grateful that my grandfather lived the most beautiful extraordinary life and that he didn't die in pain, it was very peaceful in the end which is all we could want for our loved ones. Also, I hope you and your family in Taiwan are all okay after that earthquake! Sending you lots of good thoughts and prayers :)
ReplyDeleteHi Angelita!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this beautiful post, I loved reading it. Thank you for challenging me to rethink loss and to realize how easy it can be to fall into a negative loop hole of feeling sorry, while we can also feel grateful for what we did have. While reading this post I also started to think about the expectations we have of our own feelings. When experiencing situations like this one, a lot of feelings can cross by our hearts, and instead of thinking we must feel a certain way, it can be so freely to simply feel. Feel without having to apologize. Feel without judging ourselves. Feel it all without limiting ourselves.
Hi Angelita, I really loved reading your post and your vulnerable insights on how we as people are conditioned to respond to death. I particularly understood you mentioning when people say "I"m sorry" it forces you to harp and draw on your more negative emotions -- when in reality their passing is also an opportunity to celebrate the individual and their life. In one of my classes at USC we discussed how uncomfortable particularly people in the US are around discussing death and dying. It was interesting to learn about the negative impacts that stem from this discomfort. I think sentiments like yours are rarely shared and I really appreciate you shedding light on this topic.
ReplyDeleteHi Angelita, thank you for sharing this beautiful post. It made me think about why we say the phrase "I am sorry for your loss" and challenged me to think of how else to respond to death. I think instead of using that phrase, we can acknowledge the life they were able to live and all that they were able to give to this world. My grandmother passed away two years ago, and she was one of the closest people in my life. I still get sad every so often thinking about her, but I try to change my mood and think about all she gave to me, her children, and the students she taught for 30 years. Loved reading, thank you.
ReplyDeleteHi Angelita, thank you for sharing your thoughts and being open and vulnerable. Being distant from loved ones in such moments can be incredibly challenging, and your perspective on celebrating life rather than focusing solely on loss resonates deeply with me. My grandmother passed away almost four years ago, and like you, I choose to believe she's in a place free of suffering, surrounded by peace. Your encouragement to remember and celebrate the wonderful life your grandfather led, and the gratitude you express for the memories and lessons he shared, is a beautiful approach. It's a reminder that those we love continue to influence and inspire us, even in their absence.
ReplyDelete